The dishwasher thoughts did, however, make me smile.
As I was emptying my dishwasher and having to dry the coffee cups with a towel (which maddens me....dishwashers should leave your dishes dry), I smiled thinking about Martha. I often shared hosting duties with her for various birthday dinners, luncheons, or parties. We held these at her house because my house, of course, is 700 miles away from Shelby! I became pretty proficient in her kitchen just because of the frequency of working in it.
I remember (more than once) emptying her dishwasher. I would pull out the top rack like I mindlessly do at home and if Martha would see me start out this way she would tell me to do the bottom rack first....because the cups on the top rack weren't usually dry and they dripped onto the bottom rack. This is perfectly logical and makes sense in every way, yet I can't seem to change my old habits of emptying the top rack first! So, often I smile and think about Martha as I am drying off the dishes and cursing my dishwasher for failing me with the dry cycle.
This simple dishwasher emptying moment left my head spinning with so many thoughts of Martha. After some alone time in my kitchen first laughing then crying, I decided that I needed to devote some of my blogs to Martha. It would take a multitude of posts to cover all the memories I have of her, but this particular one is about how much the same Martha and I were and yet how many things about us were different. In many ways we were polar opposites. After all, we emptied our dishwashers in opposite ways!
Speaking of dishwashers, I always loaded mine (usually haphazardly) with the silverware handles down in the washer basket. Again, Martha noticed me doing this at her house and she told me I should put the handles facing up because then when you unloaded it, you would grab the handles to put them away and not the part that actually touched your food. Again, this made perfectly good sense to me and Martha convinced me to change my evil ways! I now always load my silverware handles up....and I often think of my sister as I do so.
Martha also was particular as to how to put the silverware in the drawers. While I do use a proper silverware divider in my drawer and I do put the silverware in the correct alloted spots, I just put them in there. Martha put hers in that way but turned a certain amount of the forks and spoons one way and the other amount the opposite way.
Obviously Martha was much more fussy about the way dishes and silverware were supposed to be handled than I am!
When Martha and I worked together in the kitchen we each had our unofficially assigned jobs. If anything needed cutting or chopped it was an unspoken rule that I would do it. Martha hated knives and hated using them in the kitchen. Me, I'll pick up and knife and start cutting and chopping at the drop of a hat! I don't even always need a cutting board. If I have a green pepper to chop or a carrot to peel and slice, I'll just stand over the sink and hold the vegetable in my hand and start cutting. I got many laughs at Martha when she would attempt this. She couldn't grasp the concept of holding a piece of food and just cutting it. Always it was a production for her. No matter if she had to cut one little thing or several things, she got out her cutting board. She couldn't hold anything in her hand and cut it.
I always laughed at the way she handled a knife. First of all, she didn't own any decent knives. I bought her some one time and she never opened the package. I am sure they looked too frighteningly sharp to her! So, she cut EVERYTHING with a little puny steak knife. Everything. It's no wonder it took her a long time to cut up a simple onion! She would always cut with the knife going away from her. I mean, it wasn't necessarily the safest way, I just realized the wanted the knife as far away from her as she could get it. Oftentimes she looked very awkward as she did her cutting and chopping.
One of the worst things about this is that Martha always wanted things chopped up small. Thus, cutting was a huge production for her. I just cut and chop according to the time allowed. If it's nice and small that's great. Big chunks, I can deal with that. Uneven pieces....who cares?
Martha and I were definitely different when it came to using a knife in the kitchen. It did work out, though, for knowing who was doing what to prepare a meal together!
I remember one of the last parties Martha and I hosted together was a birthday luncheon for Mom. We invited a lot of friends....including our own friends who loved Mom as one of their friends too. One dish we made was a chicken casserole. When I make a chicken dish that uses cooked cut up chicken, I throw my chicken in a big pot of boiling water and cook it and then use that chicken to cut up for my recipe. Martha was totally and completely grossed out by the idea of boiling chicken! I told her I wouldn't do it that way if I were serving the chicken by itself, but I thought boiling it left the chicken juicier to use in a dish that required further cooking. I asked her how she did it and she told me she marinated the chicken and cooked it in a marinade in the oven. Again, this is a great idea and her chicken dishes were always great, but I am just too lazy to go to that trouble. I say, just throw it in a pot and forget about it for a few minutes!
I think that I have come to the conclusion as I write this that Martha was just more particular than I am in the kitchen. I am an absolute perfectionist about many things I do, but I think I maneuver my kitchen with speed and ease (and sometimes mess). Perhaps that comes from being married at age 20 and raising 3 children. It also comes from not going out to eat a whole lot and it comes from being a homebody to the shear joy of cooking. I have logged a lot of hours in the kitchen. My kids are all grown, but I still manage to spend a fair amount of time in my kitchen now. I guess some things will never change.
I suppose because so much of life is centered around food and gatherings for friends and family, Martha and I spent a lot of time together in the kitchen. I can think of many things that took place in the kitchen. I can also remember some of our good talks and lots of laughs in the kitchen. Cooking is something you can do and still engage in good conversation and pleasantries. I miss sharing kitchen duties with my sister.
Still on that food issue, Martha and I had entirely different tastes....literally. We didn't always like the same things, but some things we grew up eating together and we share that love for those particular comfort foods. But as we grew older and no longer lived "at home," our tastes began to change.
When my dear friend, Susan turned 16, her Dad took us to Gastonia to the LobSteer Inn. It was a special occasion and he insisted we order whatever we wanted. Susan wanted a lobster tail, but I had never had one and was sort of leery of ordering the same thing. Mr. Mabry insisted that I also order a lobster tail....and I did.....and things have never been the same! I loved it and to this day, it is a very special treat for me. That along with most shellfish. I love shrimp, scallops, lobster, and crab. I know Martha loved good fish and shrimp, but the rest of those things didn't appeal to her.
I never was a lover of red meat. Mom alternated our Sunday dinners with fried chicken and roast beef. I loved the fried chicken Sundays and Martha loved the roast beef Sundays!
One time when Mom and Dad were out of town on a business trip, we had a babysitter stay with us on Woodside Drive. We had a sitter that we loved named Inez Morehead. She was such a sweet lady. As the date for Mom and Dad to leave drew near, Inez got sick and couldn't come. But she would never leave my parents in a lurch so she said her sister, Lorraine, would be happy to do it. That worked and my parents didn't have to stress about finding another sitter or cancelling their trip. Lorraine came to stay with us and we quickly found out she was nothing like her sister! She was truly a witch, if memory serves me correctly. Of course, through the years Martha and I told and re-told the stories of Lorraine and I am sure her witchiness grew stronger with each re-telling. One of the things we liked to tell about this experience was an example of Martha and me liking totally different foods. Martha loved chicken noodle soup and I did not like it at all. Likewise, I loved tomato soup and Martha couldn't stomach it. Mom always let us each have the kind we liked. She had no problem opening two different cans for us. While Lorraine was staying with us, she said there was NO WAY she would open two cans and that Martha and I had to decide which one we were going to eat. We explained to her fruitlessly that Mom always opened two cans to be sure that we ate well. No amount of explaining, begging or crying seemed to help. I honestly don't remember the outcome of that incident or what we actually ate for lunch that day. If only Martha and I didn't have different tastes......
Dad occasionally took the family out for dinner on the weekends to Kelly's in Blacksburg, S.C. It was a treat and a wonderful family outing. When I would always order a hamburger, Martha would tease me and tell me I should order a steak....(after all, Daddy said we could)! I never really liked to eat steak, so the yummy hamburgers were good enough for me. I eat steak now, but the truth be known, I'll take a good juicy hamburger over the finest steak any day!
I always wanted lots of raw onion and French dressing on my salads...and throw in some feta or parmesan cheese. Martha was more about mushrooms (yuck!), cheddar cheese and dressings other than French!
After I moved to Florida and came back to Shelby, I wanted to eat livermush and homegrown tomatoes and cucumbers. I wanted to go out to eat at Shelby Cafe, Pizza Inn and Alston Bridges Barbecue. Martha was a good sport because I know those were not the restaurants of her choice. But I know she understood the sentiment of 'coming home again.' I had to eat at the places that meant something to me when I was growing up. I could eat some fried okra from Shelby Cafe right now.....or sausage pizza from the Pizza Inn buffet or a delicious chopped sandwich and hushpuppies from Alston's! I guess my mouth will always water when I think of those foods. I appreciate Martha's willingness to let me always get my 'fix' when I came to visit. After all, I took her to places where she could eat fresh grouper every day when she would come to visit me in Florida!
Give me strong black coffee and not that stuff with creamer and Splenda in it! Please leave the mushrooms out of anything I eat and make sure my red meat is cooked well....I don't like it 'mooing,' as we used to say Martha liked it.
That makes me remember the time Mom and Dad took Martha and me to NYC. Jim was willing and kind enough to stay home with Joseph and Jimmy who were 2 and 5 at the time. It was hard for me to leave them, but I can say that it turned out to be a wonderful and memorable trip! Martha and I had such a good time.
I remember dining in the Edwardian Room at the Plaza Hotel. It was such an amazing experience. It's funny how some dining experiences are unforgettable. I remember that I ordered sole for dinner. It is amazing that I can actually remember what I ate! Martha ordered steak tartare and I was expecting to see a lovely filet mignon with some sort of sauce on it. I knew Martha loved steak and I didn't know exactly what steak tartare was. Lo and behold, when she was served, I was appalled and kept telling her how disgusting it was! I couldn't imagine eating raw meat. I still can't. I guess Mom and Dad jumped on my bandwagon and poor Martha lost her appetite and wasn't able to eat much of her meal. I feel badly that we ruined that dining experience for her, but I think it is something that we will always remember. Through the years Martha often reminded me of how I ruined her appetite that night!
Martha and I may have had entirely different food tastes, but the memories that have been created by our moments filled with food are ever lasting and cherished. I often pass by or go into a restaurant that is new or one I never got a chance to dine in with Martha and I let out a big sigh. I feel like I am being cheated, but I am sure that Martha is dining wonderfully in heaven. And I am sure nobody is commenting on the rareness of her steak or the fact that it is smothered in mushrooms. Have some cream and sweetener with that coffee and enjoy. Bon Apetit!
Martha and I were alike in that we shared a love of music, books, theater and art. I feel blessed that we both had these interests and that we were always exposed to the arts.
Martha and I shared similar tastes in music, but there were some things that we would go back and forth on and tease each other about. I truly, however, credit my sister for a lot of my music taste. She played records all the time and that love for music passed down to me. She was 4 school grades ahead of me and that was just enough to make her seem a lot older. I was on the cusp of the rock era and most of the music I love is 70's music. I spent all of my high school and college years in the 70's. Martha, however, started loving music in the 60's so I was exposed to that. I can't hear a song by The Association without thinking of Martha. She introduced me to Van Morrison and a host of other artists that I still love today.
When Martha had Porter, her world changed. It changed in so many amazing ways and I cannot look at Porter without thinking of the shear joy he brought to my sister. Porter gave me a plaque for Christmas that says: "Only an Aunt can love you like a Mother, keep secrets like a Sister, and share love like a Friend." I choked back the tears when I opened it because he will never know what that means to me. I had given my dear Aunt Jessie a blanket that had that very same sentiment embroidered on it. It is on my bed right now. I know how I felt about her when I gave it to her, so I thought if Porter feels that way about me, then I feel very loved and very privileged. I will never take the place of Porter's Mom, but I love that he and I will always have her as our connection to one another.
But back to Porter and the whole music thing. Porter LOVED country music when he was little. He loved it obssessively and obnoxiously! Martha had never liked country music even a little bit until this came about with Porter. How he got on that jag I will never know! Anyway, Martha, being the good mother that she was, let Porter listen to country music whenever they got in the car. I hated it and teased her about it unmercifully. In defense of Porter she would always tell me it sort of 'grew on you.' I laughed it off, but I am sure she is laughing down at me now if she could see me zipping down the road with my sunroof open, windows rolled down and country music blaring! Yes, Martha, it does sort of 'grow on you.' It just took me awhile to realize that.
On the other hand, I guess I did a similar thing with Madeline. The year that Clay Aiken was on American Idol, Madeline and I became huge fans. We listened to him, went all over the place to his concerts, and just were obnoxious fans! I don't think about Clay much any more, but if I ever hear one of his songs I get a little 'pang.' I do think he has a wonderful voice and I will always think that. Martha used to tease me about that too. She would say things about it in front of Madeline, but not too often because she knew how much Madeline was in love with him! Different strokes for different folks.....or I should say, different tunes.
Martha and I spent a lot of hours just talking. We never got tired of sitting and talking. In her living room. In my den. On my lanai. On the balcony of her Myrtle Beach condo. In the car or on a plane. On the phone. We never were at a loss for words and we never ran out of subject matter to talk about. We loved to talk about what new music we listened to and what books we were reading and what shows we had seen. We loved to talk about what museums and galleries we had been to and what pieces of art we liked. We definitely shared a love of all of these things, even if our tastes were different.
We liked to read a lot of the same books, but we differed on a lot of books. Growing up I loved the 'Madeline' books, 'The Boxcar Children', biographies about nurses and books about cats. Martha loved Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. She never tired of mysteries and read them all her life. I read a good mystery on occasion, but that is not my 'thing.' Martha never cared for romance novels, and I only read them occasionally, but I do love a well-written romance novel. Neither of us cared to waste our precious reading time on a book that wasn't 'good.' I read every word of the Mitford series and Martha was more into this series of books by Bailey White, one of which was "Mama Makes Up Her Mind." I loved "Water for Elephants," "The Kite Runner," and "Under the Tuscan Sun." Martha didn't care for those, but she loved so many other books that I didn't even want to read.
I would say that our passion for reading was equally shared, but our types of books maybe not. We did pass a lot of books back and forth throughout the years, and it was great when we read one that we both liked. We loved to discuss those books.
We also spent many hours discussing the greatest book of all. Our Bible discussions could last way into the night. I love having passionate and intelligent conversations about interesting things with someone who equally loves to have these discussions. I have a list of books I would like to tell Martha about now. I know which ones she would like and which ones she wouldn't. One day I hope to have some more deep discussions with Martha. I do miss them.
I truly believe one of our favorite things to talk about and to do was theater. We loved to go to shows together and we saw so many good ones. I remember the night we went to see "Mama Mia" in Charlotte. I don't think either of us really knew much about it and it was one of those wonderfully pleasant surprises. We were dancing in our seats and we smiled the whole night. This was very cool because Martha always said she didn't like musicals. I am a sucker for a good musical. Martha felt like it was so unrealistic to be talking about something and suddenly break into song! I guess logically she is right, but I never viewed it that way. I think that as musicals became more popular and more sophisticated and spectacular Martha grew to love and appreciate them too. We surely had some great memories centered around theater....musicals or straight comedies and dramas. We took Madeline and Porter to see "The Miracle Worker" with Hillary Swank. We sat on the second row and all of our mouths were agape the whole time. It was an amazing production.
I actually have spent quite a bit of time involved in theater. While Martha said she could never see herself onstage, she admired and appreciated what I did. She supported me in every way and came to productions when she could. She loved hearing all about what I was doing in the theater. I know she would be bursting at the seams with pride if she could see Porter on stage! He caught the theater bug like I did in high school.
Martha and I loved seeing "Art." It was genius, in my opinion. Four grown men spent an entire play discussing the merits, or lack thereof, of a piece of art. It was basically a huge white canvas! The interchanges between these men were brilliant. It was a true commentary on beauty being in the eyes of the beholder and art meaning different things to different people. Martha and I both loved that show.
Speaking of art, that is something both Martha and I loved and appreciated. Martha had quite a collection of amazing artwork in her home. She grew to love going to galleries and she loved to buy interesting pieces. I appreciate everything she collected, but there are only a few pieces in her house that I always wanted for myself! They are probably not things that other people would even notice or comment on, but they spoke to me. One is a print of two boys on a putting green. When she bought the picture I was freaking out! I totally "saw" the picture as Jimmy and Joseph. I still think it looks so much like them and I smile when I look at it. Another piece Martha had is a ballerina in front of a window. It is meaningful to me in more ways than one. I simply love the original painting, and it was painted by Ginger Spangler, one of Martha's friends and a talented Cleveland County artist. Madeline is a dancer and I love anything that has to do with dance. Another of Ginger's pieces that is totally different (Ginger is an amazing artists and does lots of different kinds of work) is a wooden box with a glass front and a wooden carved man on the outside of the glass. It is etched with a clever saying referring that he dared to be different. I absolutely love it and I see it as such a "Martha piece." She loved unique art and I think this is one of those pieces. And Martha had a small, dark painting in her dining room of a little girl. I remember when she got it I told her I wanted it! She laughed and later told me she always thought of me when she looked at it.
Martha and Bob had a huge collection of Bob Timberlake pictures. I love them and I think that Martha loved them because Bob loved them! They had them all over the wall in their den. They looked great there.
Martha had some exquisite pieces of art throughout her home. I loved and appreciated them all even though many of them would not be pieces I would have wanted for my own home.
I have always loved crafting and creating artwork. I have recently gotten back into painting and I have gone about it rather obssessively.
Martha always called me if she had to make something for Porter's school or come up with a craft for church or a birthday party. She always said she had no talent for creating things and that I got all of it. She was really wrong about that. I think our creative talents just were simply in different areas. I can think of a multitude of creations in which she excelled. Just walk into her home. It was always impeccably decorated and creative. I think making crafts and coming up with ideas for birthday parties is just something I enjoy. You have to enjoy something in order to want to do it all the time.
Martha and I both shared a love and compassion for animals. We would agree that neither of us ever had the desire to have a hamster or any such creature as that as a pet, however! Martha was more of a dog person and I am more of a cat person. I loved her dogs and she loved my cats. Simple as that.
Martha and I loved to shop together. While she looked for fashion and the latest styles, I was shopping for tee shirts and flip flops. Our differences never stopped us from enjoying a day at the mall!
Martha and I always got along. We never fought as kids. We would tell our friends how we never argued or disagreed and they were always amazed by that. But it is the truth. In fact, I am sure Martha was one of the best big sisters in the world. She let me tag along with her friends to the movies and when they all sat around in her room listening to records and talking about boys, she let me sit on the floor and listen! She never shooed me away or called me names. I always looked up to her. When we were married adults, I still looked up to her as my big sister. It seemed funny to me when she got pregnant with Porter she called me all the time to ask questions about pregnancy and after he was born the phone calls continued to discuss babies! It seemed funny that my big sister was seeking out advice from ME.
Our few disagreements throughout our adult life were never very big and they certainly were never long lasting. I really cherish the wonderful relationship that we shared.
Thinking about sister relationships led me to thinking about my boys. They have a similar type relationship that Martha and I had. They are so different in so many ways....interests, fashion, personality, food preferences and so many other things. Yet Jimmy and Joseph never fought when they were little and they don't fight now. I know they have probably had some disagreements. But the fact remains that they are brothers and they respect and love one another. They always make up after a fight or argument and they keep in touch with each other. I have always been touched by their loyalty. Neither one ever wants to "rat out" the other one! I totally respect and admire that about them.
They are definitely the same only different, just like Martha and me.
I know that family ties are extremely important to me. I am thankful for the upbringing I had that made creating these ties so easy. I feel blessed to have not only had two wonderful parents, but I am sure I could not have had a better sister. I always felt loved and respected by Martha and I pray that she felt the same way about me. I miss her so much and some days it still seems almost too difficult to even get out of bed but I just try to think of all the GOOD things about my relationship with Martha instead of the fact that all of those things are just memories and no more new memories can be created. I suppose that makes the memories I have more precious than ever.
I am sad and angry that Martha won't be here to see Madeline get married. Of all the people I can think of, Martha would have enjoyed hearing about the wedding plans more than anyone else. She would have wanted to host a party (or two) and she would have loved every moment of it. I do feel cheated.
I also face some parts of my future with fear. I had planned to have Martha around with me for so many things. It is scary to know I will be facing them without her.
I am big on preaching to my family about God's timing. I have to remind myself of that and realize that what has happened and what will happen is truly out of my hands and out of my realm of understanding. I am trying to grasp that and to trust and move forward. This has been one difficult journey to travel. Losing Martha has been so much harder than I would have imagined.
Cats or dogs? Beef or chicken? Comedy or drama? Arts or crafts? Handles up or handles down? Boil or bake? On stage or in the audience? Fiction or nonfiction?
Those things are all questionable and simply a matter of taste or preference. What is undeniable is the love of family and the bond of sisters. What isn't to be questioned is the ease and comfort that is found when you are with someone so special to your heart.
And memories are made of this.
We shared many secrets,
the same Mom and Dad.
We shared lots of good times,
Don't think of the bad.
Our memories we'll cherish,
with love without end.
I'm glad you're my sister....
I'm glad you're my friend.
