We passed Shelby High School and all things familiar on our way out of town to head to the airport to return home to Florida. I said out loud without realizing it "you can't go home again." Jim asked me what I said and I then realized I had spoken aloud. I had a weird feeling driving out of town. And that feeling was that I HAD NO feeling. I think it was the first time I left Shelby with that notion. It was weird and a bit sad. Normally when I leave, I have this sense of nostalgia and a bit of a sense of loss. I always feel a bit of yearning for my hometown, but not this time.
This is not to say that my memories and my love for Shelby won't always remain. It just made me realize that when I say HOME, it is not Shelby. It is Clearwater, FL. Home is definitely where your heart is. My children and their spouses are in Florida. My Mom lives 2 miles from me now. I have more friends than ever before and am very involved in life in Clearwater. Then it hit me. I have lived here 20 years. I have actually lived in Clearwater longer than I have lived anywhere. I basically left Shelby at 18 to go off to college. From there, Jim and I got married and lived in Raleigh for 10 years. We did move back to Shelby, but we only stayed about 6 years. Living there as a married woman with children was a totally different experience than living there from birth to age 20. From there, we came to Clearwater. 20 years is certainly a long enough time to make a life. When I say I am going HOME, I am going to Clearwater. My hometown, however, is Shelby, NC. I have written much in the past about growing up in Shelby. My memories are fonder than anyone could imagine. I had a blessed and happy life all the years I lived there.
One of the things that always made Shelby so special was you knew when you went to a restaurant, the grocery store, or uptown shopping, you needed to add a little extra time to your plan because you would be sure to run into to someone you knew who just wants to 'catch up on things.' This also meant, you couldn't get away with running out to do something 'real quick' and expect not to be seen....and certainly not to be quick!
I guess one of my first ah-ha moments of not being able to go home again was when Jim and I went into Pleasant City Grill after Porter's graduation. It was just the two of us at that time and we sat and enjoyed our food and as I looked around, I saw not one familiar face. We had a birds eye view of the front door, and I didn't see anyone I thought I recognized coming or going. We sat there for a pretty long time and this never changed. Considering Pleasant City Grill is one of the most popular spots in town, this seemed especially odd. This is when I realized it might be my hometown, but not my home town.
As we had brunch at Ken and Mary's with two ladies that I have known for years, the comfort of being with long time friends had not changed. Eating at a restaurant that I didn't know existed and again, not seeing anyone I knew with the exception of the 2 faces across the table from me made me feel like an outsider. I also realized as they were talking about this person or that house or whatever, some of it was totally like Greek to me and some of it seemed more like a glimmer of recollection in the fog. I couldn't put people together with their homes, jobs, etc. I have been too far removed.
Riding past what was Porter Brothers always used to spark something in me. However, this time it really didn't. It no longer said Porter Brothers proudly across the front of the brick building. It was a name of something I didn't know anything about. And next door to it was a sign that said For Lease....on Shelby Fish Camp! That was a restaurant that has been in existence since the beginning of time, it seems! When Jim worked in Shelby for a while, they were one of his biggest customers.
Everything changes and nothing stays the same.
Riding through town the trees seemed denser, the buildings smaller. The hills weren't as steep and the curves not as curvy. (I will admit, however, that Tickle Bee Hill still gives me a thrill to this day!) The Courthouse is now the Earl Scruggs Center, which is awesome, but it's not THE Courthouse. The drive to Riverbend seemed shorter yet the drive to Gastonia seemed an eternity. The tea seemed sweeter and the livermush not the same tasty delicacy as I recalled. I no longer had anyone to visit at Sterling House and I don't know the pastor at Central United Methodist Church any more.
Going in to Mom's house and seeing it completely empty was a reminder that a house is not a home. The people in the house make it a home. I didn't even feel sad seeing the empty house. Mom is in Clearwater now and the table where we used to sit for hours and drink coffee is now a game table in Madeline and Eric's townhouse. It still gets used for joyous purposes, just not in the same place. Sitting around that table with Madeline and Eric and my new little grand kitty, Leia, now makes me feel a sense of home.
This was the first trip I have made back to Shelby since my cousin, Ellen, moved away. I will be anxious to hear how she feels over time about going home again. She has lived in Shelby most of her life. This move to Kentucky was a major change for her.
It is the first time I visited when I didn't get to spend time with Sally or Carol or Kathy. It was the first time we didn't make the rounds of our favorite eateries like Tast-T-Tee Burgers or Shelby Cafe. We used to say when we visited that we would just eat our way through town.
Of course, Bob and Porter are still in Shelby, but even this felt different. We were so busy with graduation affairs, we drove to Gastonia both days and attended Baccalaureate and then Graduation with fun parties following each event. We didn't go anywhere with Bob and Porter IN Shelby. I guess the whole vibe of the trip just felt different.
I was reading about Thomas Wolfe and how he came to entitle his book You Can't Go Home Again. Wolfe was having a conversation with Ella Winter, a writer, and one of her comments to him was "Don't you know you can't go home again." Wolfe then asked her for permission to use the phrase as the title of his book. I suppose she had possibly experienced some of the same feelings I had on my latest trip 'home.' Wolfe writes in You Can't Go Home Again: "I have to see a thing a thousand times before I see it once." I had seen all these things in Shelby a thousand times, but perhaps I was just now seeing them for that once.
Shelby will be forever in my heart, forever in my mind.
And memories are made of this.
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| Old Friends, Barbara and Gloria (brunch at Ken and Mary's) |
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| Porter with his Aunt Mary at GDS Baccalaureate |
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| Cleveland County Courthouse (now the Earl Scruggs Center) |
